better to be dusty than polished

we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i guess that's what they call character
i guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands

I just feel so.. raw lately.

Every day is crazy, and every day is boring. It's always exactly the same.

Some of the best moments that really make me think come from my client F. We've been working together for two and a half years now. He's ten years old now. I'm happy because we've developed such a good working relationship where I'm able to read ahead of time something that he might not know, and he's learning so much. He's so curious, and such an amazing kid. We were reading a story yesterday that we've read about a million times, and one line says, "Billy shook his head in amazement."

This time F stopped me and said, "What's that mean, he shook his head? He said no?"


I love working with F, because it's taught me to have the constant thought in my head that everyone's perspective is not the same. It's shown me how important it is to be very aware of how others might be seeing and feeling things. I seriously have learned so much from him.

One time, F was completely freaking out because he wanted to go see Ice Age 3 instead of work with me. For awhile, his mom and I couldn't figure out the problem, because he's usually pretty beyond tantrums.

It finally occurred to me to say, "F, you know Ice Age will be playing tomorrow and other days too, right?"

He had thought since the television said it came out today, it was today and that was it. We had to talk about it for a bit, me reassuring him. "Are you sure? Have you seen movies on lots of days?" "Yup, I've seen lots of movies on other days, not just the day the television says." And then he was fine.

I just feel so blessed to have gotten the opportunity to work so closely with this little person who has taught me to consider carefully how everyone thinks and feels. He's helped me develop tools to make sure I can explain things in a way that an individual will best understand them. One day, I hope I can convey to him how very much our two-to-three times a week visits have helped me.

I've been living with Bobby two and a half years, and I just sit here at night in our quiet apartment, because he goes to bed a bit earlier most of the time. My wild acid trip wallpaper is gone and my living room is painted my very favorite color, a lovely shade of red, and I'm proud of it. It's pretty and cozy, and it's my home and there are blankets and pillows and books and music and it's all mine and I made this home.

I am so proud of myself that I am a crazy person and I have many abnormalities about me but I still go to an important job that helps people and that I have made it through so much, and that I've stayed me. I am a good friend. I am a good daughter. I am feeling very comfortable in my own self for once.

I never know how long these feelings will last. This could be gone tomorrow. But today I feel good. I am not pretty and perfect, and I am not a brilliant scientist, but I have a big big heart that is getting stronger.